Sales Clerk Offers Inside View: 'We're Supposed to Befriend Kids'

Do some sales clerks try to pal around with tween shoppers in an effort to get the kids to spend more money? Yes, says one reader, a sales clerk, who offers a great reply to the post: Telling My Daughter the Truth about Her New 'Friend,' The Salesclerk!

Here's one sales clerk's story:

I was hired about a month or so ago at a 'tween clothing store, and I've come to find it not so much my cup of tea. We're supposed to make "friends" with the girl and adult, or the girl[s], and try to sell them as much stuff as we can, by talking to them, or even looking at what they have, and bringing more stuff that matches/accessorizes/looks similar, and show it to them and so on.

I find it uncomfortable, personally, because while I love kids, and enjoy talking to the few people who are very friendly, I'm only supposed to be friendly enough to make the sale and make more sales while doing it, and that in itself makes me feel fake, seeing as we're supposed to make the store feel like a second home to the girls, but yet simply see them as consumers and a goal of how much money we can get them to spend?

I personally would get quite irritated with a sales person bringing me loads of stuff, and always have been that way, so I have a hard time seeing how so many people could like someone following them & constantly foisting things on them.

Just my rambling thoughts after an exhausting day at work.

-- written by MVanity

Thanks to MVanity for providing such a thoughtful comment. (@ MVanity: You make great points, and I appreciate your insider's view. Thanks for taking the time to write!)

As a shopper, I'm in the same bag as MVanity. I also get annoyed when I'm tracked through a store. But my pre-teen daughter can be flattered by the attention.

Be Green. Forget Race: Consider Police, Gates & Customer Service

If you’re puzzled by the fallout from the conflict involving Harvard Professor Gates and the Cambridge police, forget about race, politics and racial-profiling. Instead, view the situation as if it were a business or shopping scenario. Forget about black-and-white issues. Let's be green* --as in money.

Be honest: What would happen if you were mistakenly accused of shoplifting in a grocery store? Bottom line: The store would apologize. Here's why:

Consider this scenario: You are shopping at a grocery store. A fellow customer suspects you of shoplifting and reports those allegations to store security.

The situation looks suspicious. You have been spotted cramming food packages into a bag. It looks bad.

The reality: Prior to arriving at the store, you had purchased items at another store. In the second store, you were comparing ingredients to make sure your new purchases will match the other items.

Bottom line: The situation looks suspect, but you have a valid explanation.

Security officer: Doing his or her job, the officer confronts and arrests you. Eventually, the situation is resolved when you produce receipts and match the “suspected merchandise” with the legitimate documentation.

The fallout: In the meantime, tense words are exchanged. Both sides – the customer and store security – get belligerent and angry. It’s not pretty. We won't even talk about race. Let's stay green.

The smart Customer Relations strategy: However, at this point, either the store manager or the security officer realizes that a serious mistake launched the entire scenario. As the well-meaning, but misdirected agent of the mistake, it’s the store’s obligation to diffuse the situation. That was not done in Cambridge.

The Green Solution: The customer has been wrongly accused. In a savvy mode, the store apologizes. The officer apologizes. The wrongly accused accepts the apology and apologizes for the subsequent belligerent tone.

Everyone moves on. And that’s what happens when you remove race from the situation.

The Cambridge Police made a mistake. We all make mistakes. For the police, there’s a civic obligation to acknowledge that a mistake – however well-intended -- occurred.

It’s not (just) about race.* It’s about good customer service.

*Edited to add: It's not JUST about race. The above scenario was created to show that even if we remove the racial element from the story, the Cambridge Police Department erred.

News Roundup:

From CBS News: Schieffer on the Real Teachable Moment

From Chicago Tribune: Gates saga is familiar fear for blacks

From Wall Street Journal: Aide Says Obama’s Expression of Regret Is ‘Having Desired Effect’

From Washington Post: Analysis: Race is daunting challenge, opportunity

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Sharon is the author of the Frugal Duchess: How to Live Well and Save Money -- a coming of age memoir about money -- and a contributing writer in Wise Bread's 10,0001 Ways to Live Large on a Small Budget.

Gum Surgery Extracts New Frugal Lessons From My Head

Oral surgery has left stitches in my mouth and a new frugal pattern on my brain. I've learned to be more frugal with time, money and words. This is what I have learned:

• Talk less/work more: How much work can I get done when it hurts to talk and smile? A lot! Oral surgery deposited more time in to my work day. I'm sure that the folks in the offices and cubicles around me also worked harder because my constant chatter was MIA.
• Have empathy (Part I): I used to smile when people complained about "oral surgery." Oh please, I wanted to argue, it's just another trip to the dentist. I now know the difference between oral surgery and a routine trip to the dentist. It's like the difference between having a baby and getting a pap smear exam. Both are uncomfortable, but one involves a lot more pain and labor.
• Plan ahead: Why didn't I eat a huge dinner the night before my oral adventure? Why didn't I have a proper breakfast and coffee before taking on six shots of Novocaine, one ice pack and several stitches? I have to do a better job of planning. On a positive note, fasting has given me a head start on my goal of losing five pounds.
• Be creative: With limited oral skills, I became creative about communicating and working. I learned to say a lot by nodding my head, lifting my eyebrows and shrugging my shoulders. I found other step-saving solutions.
• Take a break: Immediately after surgery, I went to the office. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I wasn't trying to make nice with my boss. I'm not masochistic. I was a) clueless about how yucky I would feel when the painkillers first wore off and b) too stubborn to admit that I had made a mistake by coming in to work.
• Rediscover thrift: I saved a lot of money because looking at food made my mouth buzz as if an angry hive of bees had landed on my gums. Therefore, I avoided most of the food, snacks, drinks, candy or other junk I am tempted to buy. And I was in no mood for recreational shopping.
• Appreciate treats: I love salads, but after surgery, my menu was limited to yogurt, broth and smoothies. Therefore, I learned to appreciate all of the yummy, crunchy, chewy food that I had taken for granted.
• Have empathy Part II. A friend of mine recently had major surgery, with a three-day hospital stay, blue gown and flowers. If gum surgery left me feeling sluggish and full of aches, I can imagine how she must have felt after open surgery. In fact, I feel like a brat as I review this list of complaints. It was just a bit of dental work to prepare my mouth for a new crown on an old molar.

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A Gift of White Gardenias: A Frugal Lesson

A pair of white gardenias -- freshly plucked from a bush -- provided me with an unexpected gift and a life lesson. Here's what happened:

Two days ago, I walked from the bus stop to my home. I said hello to familiar faces; we exchanged small talk and smiles. But I stepped outside my normal routine and said hello to a stranger. She was watering a garden, scented and accented with white gardenias. Even with my diminishing sense of smell, the scent of the flowers had reached me from a short distance.

She responded to my greeting with a smile. Encouraged, I complimented her gardenias, which were stunning. As a gift, she snipped a few flowers, complete with leaves, and presented them to me.

Her gift yielded a few lessons about life and money.

• Speak up. By stepping outside of myself, I opened the door for a neighbor's generosity. A short greeting and a heart-felt compliment produced a small and unexpected bonus.


• Be generous. The gardenia woman usually picks most of the flowers for her own floral arrangements, but she always saves a few on the bush for passersby who admire the flowers. Her philosophy prompted me to think of random acts of kindness that I can offer. What are the areas of abundance in my own life and how can I be more generous? Her generosity did not cost her much and meant a lot to me.


• Listen. After presenting her gift, the woman offered suggestions about creating floral arrangements. Her No. 1 suggestion: Fill a small bowl with water, and let the gardenias float on the surface. I listened carefully, wishing that I had paid more attention to others in my life when they had offered free lessons in life, money and relationships. But mostly, I felt grateful that I have -- finally -- developed enough patience to listen to wise strangers and to stop to smell white gardenias.

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Fatal Tragedy During the Morning Commute: Suicide or Accident?

A man fell or jumped onto the train tracks this morning, during my morning commute to work. The tragedy occured at the station near my office. Police, fireman, news helicopters and other emergency response teams were all on the scene. Here's the Miami Herald story about the fatality: Metrorail train hits, kills man in South Miami

Due to a series of minor morning mishaps -- ill-timed phone calls, a wardrobe malfunction and heavy traffic on the highway -- I caught a later train than usual. That train was halted several stations before my usual stop, and the passengers were directed to shuttle buses that took us near our destination. The experience produced the following insights:

• Don't make assumptions. Online and in conversations, theories circulated about the jumper, who was a man. Early on, folks speculated that he had fallen; others assumed it was a suicide. A credible source told me that it was, indeed, a suicide, but I don't know for sure. Additionally, there were cruel speculations about the train conductor. People wanted to know: Was she texting? Was she on a cell phone? Why couldn't she stop the train before hitting him? I have no answers to those questions. But I what I do know that it's not fair or wise to make assumptions about life, death, finances or relationships.

• Seek help when needed: While trying to find facts for this post, I chatted with an officer. He had a theory, but no hard facts about the fatality. However, he did tell me that he's heard of more people jumping from trains in the last year. And of course, there have been recent news reports of financially-strapped workers or executives, who have committed suicide and/or killed family members. Friends, suicide hotlines, clergy leaders and community centers are resources if you are troubled or if you think a co-worker is suffering from a mental health crisis.

• Make a reality check: Before the facts were known, many commuters grumbled about the long delay, the crowded shuttle bus that provided alternate transportation and the general lack of information. We were all clueless about the delay. Waves of inpatience churned in my stomach. And then the shuttle bus dropped me off in front of the station. I saw the yellow crime tape, the tumult and the police. A fire truck ladder was extended to the above-ground track, where the rescue team was working on some manuever involving the train and the tracks. I looked away and walked to work. Those earlier waves of impatience were replaced with waves of gratitude as I felt lucky to be alive and in good health. And finally, I felt sad about the person who had fallen, slipped or jumped onto the tracks. May his soul rest in peace.

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I Found The Name of The Ugly Tree: Dead Man's Finger

Last Tuesday, I wrote Financial Lessons from an Ugly Tree. This week, I've learned about the financial power of research and gut feelings. How ugly is the tree? "Dead Man's Finger" is one of the common nicknames for an ugly tree that has stunningly beautiful flowers. Here's my latest list of lessons:

Trust your gut: When I looked at its branches, I thought the tree looked like a cluster of misshapen fingers. I felt validated when I found this description: "It can look awful without its leaves," according to this source. For that reason, the tree is called "Dead Man's Finger" in Australia. From this exercise, I've learned about the validity of my gut instincts. Financially and personally, we often get flashes of insights that prove to be correct. I'm not talking about wishful thinking, but those true-to-the-bone feelings that later haunt us when we ignore our inner verdicts. My worst mistakes have occurred when I have ignored a gut reaction to business opportunities or other scenarios.

• Don't settle: While trying to put together this post, I was tempted to settle for answers that were almost true. It was tempting to chose easier options, and no one but me would know exactly what tree caught my attention last week. But I continued to search for the right tree. I wanted to be honest with myself and with you. In money and other areas of life, it's often tempting to settle for almost-but-not quite or for less than our best efforts. This exercise taught me to demand more of myself.

• Be open-minded: I was so thrilled with the vivid description. Dead Man's Finger! That said it all and that nickname fit so well with my plans for this post. But, honestly, there were other vivid nicknames for the tree, including: Jasmine de Cayenne (Brazil), Pagoda Tree or Temple Tree (India), Egg Flower (southern China) , Amapola (Venezuela), according to this source. And by the way, the scientific name is Plumeria . Although, common sense is valuable, it's also important to keep an open mind when evaluating investments, financial planning, frugal choices and personal relationships. One term or plant can have different meanings depending on the observer, setting and language.

• Expect the Unexpected: Who would think that such an ugly tree would produce such beautiful flowers? "Its flowers are the ones used to form the colorful, tropical flower necklaces (lei) every tourist to our 50th state [Hawaii] wears during at least one beach party," according to this source. Plumeria Frangipani --also known as Dead Man's Finger or Egg Flower -- has taught me to keep my eyes open.

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Lessons From Spring Cleaning: Finding Myself in Clutter

Spring cleaning has created a head-on collision between my need for financial order and my pack rat tendencies. My paper collection includes cards and letters from 1987, old photographs and a 1980s-era cassette with lyrics from one of my favorite singers. Spring cleaning has taught me a lot about past accounts. Here's what I've learned:

• Read the fine print and the large print: As I've reviewed older documents -- bank statements, letters and old cards -- I see how many significant details I've misunderstood, overlooked or dismissed in the past. Hindsight, of course, is 20/20. But as I sort through the pages of emotional and fiscal accounts, I carry forward lessons about the importance of carefully reading, digesting and acting on contracts, financial agreements and personal engagements. I've learned to carefully analyze contracts and contacts before taking action.

• Follow through: In a recent post about an ugly tree, I promised readers that I would do some homework and discover the name of the tree. A reader has even left a comment asking me to make good on my word. Today I cringed when I realized that I had forgotten about that promise. In fact, as I sort through my photos, I have been confronted with a vast collection of broken promises. For example, I see scrapbooks that I meant to assemble, savings targets that I have missed and letters that I have never answered. With that 20/20 hindsight, I have better insights for the present and the future. Insights have led to a practical action plan. I've created a master list of projects -- financial, personal, creative -- and I plan to check in on that list nightly and to make more time to follow through on goals and promises.

• Slow down: So many financial goals and personal promises floundered because I have lived life at high speed. I've moved from one so-called emergency to another, and in that speed I have created deeper problems and gaps in my assorted accounts. I now take more time to think, breathe and meditate. My goal is to move further ahead by moving slower.

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Financial Lessons from an Ugly Tree

Today's half-mile walk from the bus stop yielded some insights plucked from an ugly tree. Actually, the tree is no longer ugly; it has started to bloom. Here's what I have learned about money and life from that tree.

• Make informed decisions: At first glance, this tree is straight-up ugly. For most of the year, the tree looks like ET's hands. The branches are short, gnarled appendages that appear distorted from pain and stunted growth. But I've discovered that at least once a year, these trees blossom with flowers of incredible beauty. The lesson: To an uninformed pedestrian or homeowner, these trees appear to be blights that should be chopped down. However, with knowledge and patience, I understand that those trees are garden treasures. I will apply that same principle to other areas of my life, including finance and long-term planning. Get educated, take the long-term view and be patient.

• Learn new terms: This post would be better if I knew the name of that tree or if I knew more details about its blooming season and other botanical details. Likewise, other areas of my life would benefit from education. But too often, we invest in products, financial transactions, relationships and careers without conducting research. My new homework assignment: Find the name of that tree and research the history. Stop calling it: "That tree."

• Document: I need to carry a camera. A visual image --documentation -- would also enhance the value of this post. I need better documentation in other areas of my life. The quality of my life will improve as I do a better job documenting records, receipts, investments and my children's growth spurts.

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What I Learned From an 8th-Grade Basketball Game

As the shot clock ran down, there were a few tense moments at a middle-school basketball game involving my son's team. The game was a slam dunk for financial lessons. Here's what I learned from the sidelines.

• Momentum shifts quickly : The score was tied with 60 seconds left in the final quarter. We had the ball and momentum was in our favor. Then we turned the ball over, and the other team went on a 9-0 run. The final score 52 to 59.

My final lesson: I can save money all week, but a $90 shopping run in just 60 minutes can create a deficit.

• Can't control everything: We were sunk by more than a bad turnover during the final minute. When we got the ball back, a clueless ref ignored a flagrant foul that happened right in front of my courtside seat. I would have jumped up and down -- screaming in protest -- if it weren't for a withering please-don't-embarrass-me look from my tweenage daughter. So I just sat down and faced reality. It was painful because in a few heartbeats, the opposing team expanded their lead from two points to five points after the bad call led to a basket and a foul shot (an "and-one," three-point play.)

My financial lesson: Losses happen. Stocks slide; houses depreciate and bounce checks may hit the rim due to forces beyond your call. I have to do my best to make the numbers work and then let go of the rest.

• Stick to your game plan: After the turnover and the bad ref call, you could see the wind go out of my team. And as the game clock ran down, the lead expanded into a score that resembled a rout.

My financial lesson: Do your best to contain financial slides. Losses can have a domino effect. Stay focused in order to limit cash drains.

And finally, I learned a lot from my son. He plays with so much heart, he's an awesome defender. He's fierce and is just under 5-feet-tall. Given his small stature, he did not get much time in that game, which involved a team of much taller opponents.

But when he came in with the rest of the substitutes in the final 30 seconds of the game, my son played as if the game just started. I should save money with that kind of fierce focus.

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5 Things to Do When You Get Bored With Being Frugal

Turn off the lights. Check the receipt. Clip the coupons. And so on....Being frugal can get old and boring after a bit.

It's like adding 1 + 1. The answer is simple. Frugal living boils down to one principal: Save more than you make, and the rest is just commentary.

But boredom is dangerous. When I get bored with being thrifty, it's easier to fall of the thrift wagon. Here's how I keep frugal living real and fresh.


1. Pay Attention. When I'm fully engaged --really connected to the here-and-now -- I'm constantly learning and acquiring new insights. When I look for frugal lessons and metaphors on bus rides or radio commercials, the creative spark prompts me to save more money.

2. Check Financial Statements: Reviewing bank statement provides a reality check. If the account looks good, I'm encouraged and energized. If the account is anemic, I've scared myself out of a few frivolous shopping trips.

3. Call Frugal Friends: There are certain friends -- online and in-person -- who really inspire me to save. A conversation with them is like a booster shot.

4. Review Goals: A periodic review of financial and personal goals, usually provides fuel for another savings drive. I am instantly reminded of my plans to build an emergency fund, college savings accounts, a retirement nest egg and even an account for vacations.

5. Invest in Small Treats: Well-timed luxuries provide safeguards against binge spending. For example, my almost daily servings of organic blueberries fills me with a sense of wealth and well-being, and those feelings make me less likely to binge spend. Consider this post: Why Organic Blueberries Make Me Feel Rich



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Why Organic Blueberries Make Me Feel Rich

It's a daily routine that gives my thrifty lifestyle a boost. I have a rich breakfast of organic blueberries with vanilla yogurt spiced with walnuts, almonds and flaxseeds.

That breakfast delivers a shot of vitamins and wealth.Here's why eating organic blueberries makes me feel rich:

• The Luxury Factor: Even on sale, the purchase of organic blueberries feels like a treat. It's a luxurious investment in my health. (Blueberries are a vitamin-packed snack.) This splurge boosts my health and my wallet. Pampering myself with blueberries makes it less likely for me to splurge on larger expenses. Fueled by inner wealth (and a good breakfast), I'm less likely to spend money in a poverty-driven binge of emotional spending.

• The Health Kick: Due to the health benefits of organic blueberries, my fruit-and-nut filled breakfast feels like an investment in my long-term health. My logic: Money spent on preventive health today should (G-d willing) translate into reduced medical costs in the future.

• The Dental Bite: Blueberries are as sweet and tart as my favorite candies, but are less harmful to my teeth. Healthy living and better oral hygiene will save money in the long run.

• Sweet Dreams: Something about a pint of blueberries makes me smile. I open the plastic, wash off the fruit and instantly feel better. Of course, blueberries are not a cure-all, but the berries remind me that I don't need a lot to be happy because small things -- tiny berries -- really count.

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Pulling Financial Weeds From a Neighbor's Gardens

A stunning butterfly garden has been destroyed, and I am annoyed. But my anger is misplaced and inappropriate. The ruptured garden is not my business, and I have my own weeds to pull out. Those are some of the personal and finance lessons, I learned today while walking through my neighborhood.

Here's the story: During a late afternoon walk, I strolled through the area as the sun turned into a pink streak in the sky. My meditation was interrupted by a denuded garden that a friend used to own.

We -- the neighbor, the garden and I -- have a shared history. For the last 15 years, I've walked by her home with admiration for her sprawling, English-style butterfly garden. Pushing baby carriages, holding toddlers and chasing teens, I have watched my friend -- and her daughter --work hours and hours on their garden.

Recently, they sold their home, and the new owner has ripped up a garden in which I had an emotional stake. I was appalled and angered before common sense took over.

Here's what I learned about money and life:

• Find your value system: After ripping up the exotic, well-tended garden, the new owners are going for a sterile manicured look. They're not wrong; their value system is just different than mine. Growing up in the suburbs, I knew families who spent large sums on pools, cars and clothes. My parents placed greater value on family vacations, cultural trips and education. Other people heavily invest in antiques or arts. Some spend fortunes on rare books. I need to be clear about my value system and respect the values of others. Financially and personally, it's important to identify the values and concepts that really matter; then we should invest our time and money accordingly.

• Don't covet: Yeah, yeah -- One of the 10 commandments makes a stand against coveting a neighbor's property, spouse or other connections. But even if you take a non-religious stance, that commandment makes an interesting point. Life is too short to waste time worrying about OPP (other people's property). It's so counter-productive to sit on a fence analyzing someone else's choices or lifestyle. It's not just a matter of coveting, but it's a time management issue. My time would be better spent working on my own garden or crunching numbers for the home budget or watching a movie with one of my kids.

• Smell the gardenias. The butterfly garden used to have amazing flowers (Passionfruit and White Gardenias) with fragrances that scented the air for a half-block away. In hindsight, I wish I had spent more time appreciating the garden, the sights and the scents while it was still there. Financially and personally, I've planted seeds of discontent in my own life by failing to be fully engaged in the here and now. When I'm more mindful about spending, saving and living, I receive higher dividends from my personal and financial investments.

• Weed out ingratitude: My friend, the gardener, used to provide great tips about gardening and child rearing. She expressed thoughtful admiration about some of my newspaper columns. Over the years, we've had conversations that meant a lot. When I'm fully honest with myself, I understand that my annoyance with the new owners is driven by a sense of loss. I miss the gardener --with her canvass gloves and wide-brimmed hat -- (Picture Katherine Hepburn). I am sad that she and her daughter are no longer a part of my day-to-day routines. Actually, I have a list of people, opportunities or moments that are no longer part of my life. Regret tastes like a cold metallic spoon in my mouth. At times, a sense of loss can be paralyzing. But it's like the stock market, it does little good to whine about yesterday's losses in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. I can't change the poorly planned or ill-fated investment decisions or personal choices that I made years ago. But I can appreciate the excellent value of my current portfolio. And I can be a better gardener by pulling out overgrown weeds and planting new seeds.

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Treadmill Vs. The Sweater: How I Spent a Day Without Spending

Monday was a well-spent day. Except for two household bills, I spent the day without spending money. Here's how I halted the money trail.

Limited Breakfast Menu: I had a full breakfast, but the menu was limited to the food that was already in the fridge and in the cupboard. I prepared what I owned, and the menu included: organic vanilla yogurt, blueberries, nuts and a granola bar that was a freebie from some promotion. The coffee was a frugal DIY blend, spiked with half-and-half cream and sweetened with sugar.

• Free Lunch: My willpower was still strong at noon, and I resisted the urge to buy prepared lunch goodies or even additional DIY fixings. The plate was full from a previous shopping trip.

• Treadmill vs. The Sweater: Several laps on a treadmill and nearly two miles on a stationary bike fortified my thrifty lunch hour resolve. The half-hour workout depleted the shopping drive, which meant that the cute black sweater from Ann Taylor Loft stayed in the store and out of my shopping bag.

• Public Transportation: I get around town by taking buses, trains and long walks. My metro pass -- purchased at a discount -- eliminates the daily fumble for bus and train fare.

• Automatic Door Avoidance: While waiting at the bus stop, I avoided two bakeries, one coffee shop and the automatic doors at CVS and Walgreens. I've learned my lessons from past shopping mistakes.

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An Awful Flight Taught Me Market Lessons

A few weeks ago, I had a rough flight from Miami to New York City. It was the perfect ride for a turbulent era, and I learned a lot about money and the markets during that trip. That's because the flight was almost as volatile as the stock market following a grim unemployment report.

As we rocked and dropped through cloud vapors, I studied my options: 1) Pray, 2)Write notes to friends and family, or 3) Go to sleep.

I decided against sleep. Been there, done that. In fact, I can honestly say that I've slept or sleepwalked through other periods of personal or financial turbulence. But that solution solved very little and instead, when I was finally jolted awake, I rubbed my eyes feeling dumb and dumbfounded. So I nixed the sleep option.

Write letters to friends and family? Not very practical, especially due to the up-and-down motion of the plane. And besides, I was too tense and too lazy to string together a coherent sentence. I can't write when I'm uptight.

Prayers? Hmm. Frankly, I offered up a few whispered bargains, deals and promises. And whatever I said, must have worked because I'm here now in front of my Dell laptop computer, which needs a new battery. (And I'm now praying that my battery will be recalled, so that I can call the company for a free replacement.) And anyway, while praying I stared at the clouds and while meditating on clouds, I had a flight of clarity. I calculated that if that moment in the air was really my last, I could at least enjoy the ride.

I re-considered the turbulence. It was a fun ride. In fact, at Disneyworld and Universal Studios I have paid good money -- lots of money --over the years for such thrill rides. And if this was going to be my last flight, at least, I could relax and enjoy myself.

Okay, so I'm not trying to sound like a Pollyanna, but at that moment, the terror stopped even though the turbulence continued. I had no control over the plane, but I could control my roller coaster of emotions. And I am applying that lesson to my obsessions about politics, world events, job security, regrets, missed opportunities and economic uncertainty.

My new contract: I'm going to do my best, say a few prayers and admire clouds. And yeah, I'm enjoying the ride.

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My Blue Shoe Day -- Thrift Wins Over Fashion: Lessons from a Color Clash!

Today I was stranded at the gym with blue leather shoes. They're definitely hot shoes, but not with the outfit I was wearing. Buying new a shirt or a matching accessory was an option, but I decided to be frugal rather than fashionable.

The scenario: The non-profit company that I work for has a free gym for employees. For the last several weeks, I've run a daily brisk mile on the treadmill and lifted a few weights. Today, I tried a new routine. Rather than work out in the middle or end of the workday, I hit the free gym before work.

Great idea. I had my gym shoes. I had the rubber shower shoes ($2.49 from CVS), but the Joan and David black leather pumps ($7 dollars on sale at Marshalls versus the full price of $90) were not in my gym bag.

No problem. I typically have an extra pair or two stashed in my office. But today, only the blue shoes were left. They're a pair of Nine West Shoes ($6 on sale ) made from soft blue leather and three-inch stacked heels.

These shoes look hot with the $15 powder blue, light wool suit I found at a yard sale or the blue and brown skirt that was a hand-me-down from a friend. But today, I looked like a fashion don't, as in: don't mix those colors!

The administrative assistant in the office very was kind. She looked at my outfit and studied the situation.

"Do you have an appointment today? Do you have a meeting? Do you have to see anyone today?"

No. No. No, I said. My only appointment was with the keyboard and phone.

"Well. You're fine," she said, adding: "The shoes look...OK."

I wasn't convinced. The clash annoyed me and I knew that I could easily pick up a matching or complementing shirt for under $10 at the shopping center located dangerously across from my office. After a quick stop at the clearance sections at Gap and Ann Taylor Loft, I returned back to the office without making a purchase.

I learned a lot from my day of clashing colors:

1) Pack carefully. Whether you're going to a foreign country or just to the gym, it pays to double check your bags. Shopping for missing items can cost time or money.

2) Don't settle for near matches. To her credit, the salesclerk at Ann Taylor Loft nixed the blue shirts that I had selected as possible replacements. "Your blue shoes are much lighter than that," she said. I discovered that almost-but-not-quite matches can look worse than an outright clash.

3) Ignore your shoes. No one cared about my clashing shoes but me.

4) Turn a mistake into a fashion statement. So what if my black skirt and and yellow sweater set clashed with the baby blue shoes? I converted my error into a bold trend of extreme accent colors.

5) Whatever! By midday, I stopped caring about my shoes, my sweater and skirt. Hurricanes are threatening parts of the U.S. A historical presidential election is underway and my shoes don't match. Big Deal. Make life really happen!

6) Convert mistakes. My fashion mistake sparked a very productive day. I spent a lot of time in my office writing.

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Small Treats or Overindulgence? Have I Stepped Over the Frugal Line?

What's the difference between small delights and decadence? And is it OK to build small treats into a frugal budget? I ask because I'm typing this post with shiny fingernails with white tips.

I have had a french manicure! The manicure took place over a week ago and I've found a frugal way to stretch out my fine-tipped fingers. (More on this later.) What's more, I found a frugal salon with high sanitary standards.

But what was I doing in the manicurist salon? Yes, I had to attend a weekend of events, including a big post-nuptial party for dear friends. But the truth: I was luxuriating in the pleasure of having my hands soaked, softened and wrapped in warm towels. I loved having my hands massaged and oiled with assorted potions for my dry skin and cuticles. And don't forget the filing and the painting: I was in salon heaven! It was a luxurious 20 minutes, with all of the magazines that I could read without ruining the wet paint on my nails.

I justified this little treat by promising myself that it would not be a weekly routine. Periodically, I told myself, I also go to professional basketball games and to movie theaters. But when does a periodic treat become a decadent indulgence? Here's my quiz:

1) How did you pay for the treat? It's a treat if I really have the money (through saving, budgeting or sacrifice) for the luxury. But luxuries become decadent if I have to neglect bills or other financial goals to pay for the treat.

2) How often will this so-called treat take place? It's a treat if the luxury takes place only once in a while. Luxuries slide into decadence if my treats become regular appointments in my date book.

3) Did you enjoy yourself? Treats are occasional luxuries if I can sit back and really enjoy the experience. Luxuries slide into decadence if I take the pampering for granted. It's dangerous if the luxury feels as regular as dental floss.

I'm curious about your dividing line between treats and decadence. What are the warning signs of overindulgence?




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Letting the Fallen Child (on Crutches) Get Up Alone: A Lesson In Discipline

Scenario: We are a group of women --mostly mothers -- talking around a table when a child (I'll call the kid "Jim") falls. All kids fall, but this accident seems to be a big deal, because "Jim," about eight years old, always walks with crutches.

Of course, when Jim falls, I immediately stir to jump to my feet. Poor thing, I think. Likewise, the woman next to me is ready to pounce. And then I see Jim's mother, she has not moved. While the rest of us begin to shuffle to our feet, Jim's mother just sits: patiently and calmly.

The rest of us are stunned by Jim's mother's reaction and we just watch her sit. We take our cues from her and watch as Jim --with crutches attached to both arms -- pushes to find a balance.

I'm near tears. But Jim stands up with a smile and the mother smiles back at the child. The other eager-to-help mom next to me catches my eye and we nod at each other like two bobble head toys.

We get it: Through self-discipline, Jim's mother has taught her child a lesson that applies to money, school, hearts and deeds. It's okay to fall as long as we try to get up. And sometimes, children learn to recover from small tumbles by getting up on their own.

In hindsight, I realize how embarrassed Jim would have felt if a table of able-bodied, well-meaning moms had rushed to the rescue. Our so-called kindness would have shamed the child and stolen a triumphant.

Under our breaths, the other anxious-to-help mom and I trade comments of wonder about the self-discipline displayed by Jim's mom. If we felt anxious and disturbed by the fall, Jim's mother must have felt alarmed. But she smiled, watched and waited.

That scene took place just days ago and has made me think about my own actions as a mother and a person. Here are the questions, I've been asking myself:

1) Am I too quick to rush in with solutions to homework problems, lost money, disappointments and falls? Do I try to be a "Catcher in the Rye?" Have I become a human-shield?

2) Do my children know how to recover from public and private falls? Am I teaching the right lessons?

3) Do I have the patience to watch my children find their balance or am I a crutch?

As a person, I've learned:

1) It's okay to fall.

2) It's okay to fall in public with a room of people watching.

3) We all have crutches --some are physical; some are emotional; some are visible and some are not.

4) Find the humor and the lesson in every fall. It's there on the floor.

5) Believe you can get up.

And finally, I am grateful to have witnessed such a scene. Quite frankly, I've had devastating emotional and financial falls as a young woman. But Jim's recovery has given me hope and humor. What's more, I'm grateful to myself for paying attention.

Through close attention I noticed that Jim's mom was as still as a rock and then, I became a rock like Jim's mom.


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You Talk, I Answer About Sales Clerks, Kids & Money

A recent post about the teen sales clerk who befriended my 10-year-old daughter sparked a few comments. The conversation continues with my responses to the various comments. Feel free to leave feedback.

The short summary:

Telling My Daughter the Truth about Her New 'Friend,' The Salesclerk!

I had to tell my daughter the truth. At the risk of hurting my baby's feelings, I had to tell her that the cool teenager in the 'tween-age clothing store was not really a friend. The 16-year-old salesclerk --so cute, so charming -- was more interested in my 10-year-old daughter's wallet. I hope I did the right thing.

Evelyn said...

Oh you absolutely did the right thing. It's one of those life-lessons we never want our kids to experience, but an oh-so-necessary one. And who better to teach it than you to help her understand it ... instead of learning from the "school of hard knocks" later on. The more tools we give our kids when they are under are wings, makes it much easier for them to fly on their own when that time comes.

Thanks Evelyn:
I appreciate your feedback. Sometimes, it's hard judge when we're providing our kids with the right tools and when we're turning them into hardened cynics. I appreciate your vote of confidence.

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Penny said...

Honestly, salesclerks in stores DO NOT make commission unless they work in shoes. Clothing stores do not pay commission to people that sell tshirts and skirts. So, I think that while it was good to tell your daughter that the girl wasn't her friend -- you also have to look at the sales clerk and realize she's probably just a nice girl that likes to help out tweens because she is probably bored out of her mind. Seriously, I used to work at a clothing store and if you never help customers it's pretty boring.

Penny:
Thanks for your input. The sales clerk's behaviour could be attributed to kindness, boredom, a strong work ethic or the need for approval from her manager. Her motives may have been admirable.

But I felt a pang of concern because my daughter's wish to return to the store and spend money seemed driven by a need to please the nice teen sales clerk who had spent time with my daughter.

I had to say something. I was very kind to the sales clerk. I smiled, but I felt the need to draw some boundaries for my 10-year-old daughter.

Thanks so much for your feedback. It was great to get the other side of the story and I thank you for reading my blog and writing a comment!

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pam munro said...

The lesson is that people can be friendly and even charming and not necessarily be your friend - There was no harm in acknowledging a friendly salesgirl - there are too many snooty ones and fresh-faced enthusiasm should be encouraged - but she is acting in her salesgirl capacity - which you should make clear to your daughter -

Hi Pam:

I agree with you very much and thank you for your comment!

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Anonymous said...
I think you absolutely did the right thing. It is a hard lesson to learn but one that is best learned early. I think you chose your words VERY well. Think of it this way - in a few years she may be talking to a car salesman who wants to talk her into extended warranties and all kinds of extra bells and whistles for a car. You want her to be cautious of who she gives her money to. WELL DONE!

Thanks Anon!
Your comment means a lot to me. And you're right about future negotiations with car salesman and other vendors. Too often, we are steered and pushed toward trinkets and services that are not in our best interest. Even at the cosmetics counter, I sometimes feel a temptation to spend more money when the sales associate is especially nice. Thanks for stressing the importance of caution and discipline!

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Kristen said...
A great story and a great lesson in being a savvy consumer for your daughter. I own a store for tweens (boys and girls), and it was interesting for me to hear the emphasis the salespeople there put on showering the kids with attention. Our customer service is mostly geared to the parents. Any kind of hard sell is offensive to me, but to kids? Wildly inappropriate.

Kristen:
Your perspective as store owner is very valuable. It's good to hear that your sales approach is marketed toward the adults and not kids. At this store, however, the older teen girls aimed their pitch right at the kids and, like you, I found that tactic to be offensive. Thanks for your comment.

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Lauren said...
I think your actions and explanation to your daughter were dead on accurate. Even as adults we get caught up in slick marketing and advertising. Buy this and you will look like me, use that and your life will be wonderful.The cute 'tween clerk was overtly operating the same way. Kudos to you for recognizing it, and then taking the "teachable moment" to educate your daughter!

Chaucey said...
I think you did the right thing. I think a lot of people haven't learnt this lesson and end up overspending because the salesperson has been so nice to them. I read about this is in a marketing book where the concept was called reciprocity.

Thanks Lauren & Chaucey:
Great comments with thoughtful insights about marketing and "teachable" moments. Thank You! Thank YOU!


Thanks to all for writing!
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5 Shoes Ties Between Carrie Bradshaw & Me: Frugal Lessons Inspired by Sex and the City

Based on my history as a former New Yorker and part-time shoe model, I've been asked to examine the ties that lace me to Carrie Bradshaw and the Sex and the City girls. That question came from Will in the Wise Bread forum for bloggers. Here's my answer:

5 Shoes Ties Between Carrie Bradshaw & Me

1. Shoes: I used to collect shoes. At one point, I had over 50 pairs of shoes in my closet. However, whereas Carrie B. wears expensive Manolo Blahnik shoes ($400-$600), I collected discounted high-end shoes from Marsalls. I've purchased BCBG shoes for $22-29. (Full price: triple digits!) Nine West shoes for $6 and other bargains.

But my frugal shoe fetish was dangerous. On the screen, Carrie B. and her pumped-up fictional friends are aware of their expensive foot path. I lacked self-awareness and honesty. With my bargain shopping, I could easily trick myself into believing that I was really saving money.

Ha! Eventually, I started investing more energy (and dollars) in soulful pursuits and spending less on the soles of my feet. Of course, my heart still beats faster when I find a great deal on pretty shoes, but I can walk away from the shoe rack with my budget intact.

2. The Keyboard Connection: Carrie B. is a newspaper columnist. I'm a newspaper columnist. We both write from our personal observations. We both write about important issues: Carrie B. writes about sex; I write about money.

3. New York Lives: Carrie could have been one of my neighbors. In fact, I'm convinced that I once bumped into her at a small grocery store in Manhattan.

4. Mr. Big: No comment. TMI.

5. Valuable Friends: Carrie's close relationships with her friends are wonderful. Her friends provide free therapy sessions and column fodder. I can relate to those close connections. Even when my bank account was depleted, I've always felt rich in friendships.

My advice to Carrie:

#1 Forget the labels. In fact, by the end of the Sex and the City movie, she marries Mr. Big in a no-name dress at City Hall. This event takes place after their initial broken engagement and cancelled big-ticket reception with the over-the-top wedding gown. Clearly, Bridezilla had a high-profile meltdown!

At the end of the day, Carrie realizes that The Dress, The Label, The Reception shouldn't overshadow the real milestones of life. She frugally takes vows in a plain suit. Part of me wishes that we were all born smart and could just skip all of our financial, personal and professional meltdowns. Why can't we go straight to the happy ending and the credits?But that insight leads me to my second piece of advice for Carrie B.

#2 Enjoy the journey. It's all a process. I've learned about living frugally and meaningfully through excessive mistakes. Errors can pay long-term dividends or at least provide material for a blog post if we're honest enough to examine our mistakes.

Check out my answers to other questions at the Wise Bread Forum: Ask the Frugal Duchess a question! (Women of Personal Finance Spotlight) Thanks!

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The Automatic Pilot Lands in Another Crappy Moment: A Financial Lesson

It was just another crappy moment, but as the cliche goes: I learned a lot. And so goes life with my dog Scruffy, who continues to teach me Zen-like lessons in patience, planning and the dangers of living life on automatic pilot.

Here's the scenario: A little while ago -- at sunset -- I was walking the dog and I ran out of doggy bags during our walk. (TMI) Anyway, when Scruffy (that's him in the photo) headed for a neighbor's yard, I acted like a good citizen. I asked for a plastic bag and cleaned up after my dog. And then stuff really happened. Here's what I learned:

• Don't be smug. Blissed out from my do-good efforts to clean up after my dog, I stopped paying attention to the task at hand. Mindlessly, I let the plastic bag flap in the wind. As such, the bag missed the target, but my hands hit pay dirt. (Don't ask. TMI.) Needless to say, I needed a lot of soap when I returned home. Lesson: Stay focused on money, savings and clean-up efforts. Be mindful. Pay attention to details.


• Don't get angry: Annoyed, I let the leash drop into the mess. As such, one mistake led to another error. Lesson: Misdirected anger just leads to bigger messes in personal, financial and professional matters.


• Don't get lost in regrets. "I'm tired of pulling lessons out of crap." That was my mantra as I walked the dog home. But I was so lost in regrets that I twisted my ankle and almost broke my pretty silk flip-flops from China. (These pretty shoes look like Madame Butterfly meets Surfer Girl). As I tripped over the curb, I realized that in past personal and professional stumbles, I have squandered time, money and effort by banishing myself to purgatory circles of regrets. My target attitude: Stuff happens. Just clean-up and move on.
  
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